Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
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