I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
