my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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