literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
