I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
