just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
