He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
