Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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