I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
