I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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