At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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