I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
