I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
