I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
