you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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