did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
