Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
