I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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