Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
