So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
