Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Sext me about skeletons
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
