how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
