Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
