His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
