Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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