i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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