Whatcha textin bout Willis?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
