I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
