Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
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And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
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No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.