my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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