Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?