She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.