I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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