Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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