Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
