Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
