Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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