im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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