My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
