Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
