I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
