I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
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