Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
