paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
