There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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