You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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