In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
