I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
