my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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