Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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