hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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