it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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