all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
