I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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